Stressed

Lately I have been very stressed out. I am stressed over looking at houses, stressed over not working out as hard or as often as I would like to, over my huge lack of motivation, I am lonley, I am stressed over not having any friends, about making a career choice, and where my life is heading in general.

I think that a lot of my stress issues will be solved when I do go to school. I just am feeling uncomfortable with my college choices. I have been accepted to Mohawk for Travel and Tourism, and Graphic Design Creative Studies, and to Niagara College for Graphic Design Advanced Diploma. I have not been accepted (yet) to the Social Services course which I was most looking forward to. But whatever I do decide to go for, I know I will make some friends and have busier days, so I will not be able to dwell on all the things I am frustrated with in my life. But that is still months away.

Im worried that I am going to make the wrong decision, even though I guess there is no wrong decision. Im worried that I am going to go one step too far with my bf and feel trapped by the relationship. I also haven't been reading and feel that I set small goals for myself that I don\t even try to reach on a regular basis, which sets me up for more negative self reflection. Writing in my blog is definitely one thing that I have been ignoring and feeling shitty about, so I am trying to add some more things in it tonight, to give it some substance.

Forgot to Mention

In my last post I forgot to mention the main reason why I have sort of let go of my schedule. My boyfriend and I have started talking about purchasing a house together and it has been overwhelmingly exciting and stressful.

We have a comfortable about saved for a down payment, however I am not working full time and I don`t exactly have any credit, so we decided that he would be making the mortgage payments and my money would go to other things like living expenses until I got a job on paper. Our most forcible driving force for us to get out of our parents houses is our cats. We have two cats that are at my house and stuck in my room all day. When the weather gets better I will be taking Sora back to work with me so he can wander and lose some weight, but muffin will be left alone again. I always feel bad for them when I go out for a couple nights.

Also, my boyfriend is 24 and I am 21, our best friends are recently engaged and are moving into their brand new house in the summer, we are really feeling the pressure to get our lives together. I am still waiting to get an acceptance letter from school and this is making me so anxious. Most of my saved money will be going towards school and my schooling is going to be a minimum for 2 years. We originally wanted to wait until after I was done school before looking at houses, but I dont think we can wait that long. Our plan is to make a purchase around Christmas just to save some money, after doing some research, we found the homes sell for less money around Christmas, people are in the spirit of giving and want to get their homes sold for the new years. Spring is when they tend to be most expensive so for now we are only looking and learning.

Its stressful because I feel very young, and buying a house with someone is a fair sized commitment. Its hard to decide on a location because I don`t know where I will be working. I also sometimes wonder if this is the relationship that I really want to be in.. Im nervous about getting in over my head and not being able to get out of it if I feel the need to.

For now I am just going to focus on saving up and having a good summer before school.

Over The Past Week.

Last week I haven't been keeping up with my workouts and my diet has slipped a little bit too. It was my bfs birthday and I could not refuse home made icecream cake with a brownie crust and whipped cream icing. I have been procrastinating and feeling really down about it, so today when I got up, I did some reading and was motivated to start my workouts again.

I also read about food habits and how eating many very small portions throughout the day, and eating them slowly, is apparently good for the body, good for regulating metabolism along with your workouts. So today I did a great workout, I can still feel my legs feeling sore and I am preparing an afternoon meal.

I am feeling much better about myself already and hope to continue with this 550 rep workout and improve every day. I plan to do as much of it as I can again at work tonight.

My Past

Im not actually going to write all about my past, just a small part of it. My first bfs name was Chuck and we dated for 7 months. At the time I had a really bad relationship with my mom and she didnt allow me to date, so I snuck around and dated him behind her back. He was a couple of years older than me and we had no classes together so we wrote to each other in notebooks and passed them back and forth between classes. Eventually he started going to another school and so it got tough for us, but we kept up our books. My mom got fed up with us and in April of 2003 she admitted me into temporary care and it was impossible for my relationship with Chuck to continue.

After six months of living in a group home, I realized that I was changing, while he was not. He is a very loving and considerate boyfriend, but he wasnt going in the same direction as me, and there came a time when I ended the relationship formerly and never looked back.

The total amount of books we filled ranges in the 30s. When I went into care, he had all of our books. When I got out we still wrote back and forth, but it was definitely different. in 2004 sometime, we stopped writing. He had all of the books for 6 years or so, until  a few months ago I met up with him and took them so that I could type them up and have an electronic record for myself. I think that they tell a good story, not just for the content, but for the progression and changes in my personality from start to finish. The fact that its true makes it more interesting. When I first started reading over them, I was so embarrassed about how I sounded, the things that I wrote and the way I wrote them. But as I got to the end of the set, I was reading words that seem much more like me, that I found myself being fond of and proud to have written. This is something that I want to share, and I think that young people out there, especially girls, will find in my books a reflection of themselves, of the darkest most intimate parts of their personality, and see that they are not alone.